Acknowledging my actions in the past is huge. The harmful behaviors, words and even the thoughts from yesterday or twenty-five years ago have made their mark. Those scars may have healed over or they be open wounds which still itch and burn.
As I grow and learn I would like to be judged on where I am right now in my spiritual journey. I would like to be recognized for the baby steps I have taken and the changes I have made.
The Rolling Stones told me the truth, though, “Oh, you can’t always get what you want.”
I am allowed to forgive myself. I’m allowed to make amends for what I can remember. But I never have been and never will be able to dictate others’ perceptions of me.
I ask for forgiveness. I hope for healing. I continue to learn.
Be impeccable with your word.
I’m quick. Sometimes I consider this a great virtue and just as often my quickness leads me down the wrong path.
For instance, I’m a darter. I move without thought. Because of this I carry bumps, bruises and a collection of scars that continues to grow. I caution myself as I age…”Slow down. Watch where you’re going!”
My quickness of movement is not my greatest problem, however. It is my quickness of tongue. It is my propensity to blurt out my thoughts. It is my ability to deliver a clever response in the blink of an eye and the click of my tongue.
When I was younger I prided myself on this. I had my moments of regret over words that should have been swallowed rather than spewed, but I didn’t comprehend the waves of spiritual damage to myself and others.
I’m still learning to be impeccable with my word:
- To be truthful.
- To be accurate.
- To say only what I mean to say.
- To say it with love and concern.
I’m practicing and learning.
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*The Four Agreements by Michael Ruiz.
Be impeccable with your word.
Don’t take anything personally
Don’t make assumptions
Always do your best.
This was written for and originally appeared on Vision and Verb on May 14, 2012.
It’s easy for me to delude myself. After all, I don’t know what I don’t know. And I don’t recognize my behavior when it is so common that it strikes no strident note.
Most of my less-than-admirable behaviors just work themselves through my hours and days without my notice. They form themselves into the structure of my being like a skeleton that holds me together. And, of course, giving up on any one of those lifetime patterns is like breaking a bone. It causes fear, pain and a loud, crackling sound of a change that immediately wants to reset itself back into the structure that is familiar, no matter how disfunctional.
And I do function in my own way. Well, I have my nonfunctional days. Those are the days that my chest is filled with anxiety and my mind races on its gerbil wheel without pause for refreshment. On those days, even meditation is difficult. The work that it takes to calm myself may be too much for me. I may resort to the mind-numbing of television or electronic solitaire.
I’m peeking out at the truth now and then.
I’m examining a long and loving relationship…not necessarily to end it…but to really look at what is best for me in the future. How to make the moves to protect myself. I’ve know what to do for a long time. Yet I’m still grappling with the fear of breaking the structure that keeps me in one piece.
Will I survive? Will I thrive? Or will I look back with regret that I have broken what was my life for so long?
I’m too dramatic. Baby steps are all I need right now.