Tag Archives: Self-acceptance

Something New – Part 2

“The challenge of the Silver Gate is to reconnect to our regenerative forces and stay connected to them. Many cultures of the world have traditional practices to accomplish this.” Angeles Arrien
I am intrigued by an Ancient European custom cited in this section that is still practiced in some areas of the world. The challenge is to do something never before tried each month. The custom is to do it on one’s birthdate, but I will play fast and loose with that.
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In my second month (January) I have had a more difficult time deciding what my be a stretch for me.

Due to scheduling, I missed an opportunity to teach English for an hour at the local elementary school. Even though I am in Mexico and many opportunities abound, I have discarded many ideas.
I could hike a nearby peak, but that didn’t seem expansive or very different to me. After all, I have hiked many times and am not a huge fan. True, it would have been new because it is a different peak, but other than sweat and bugs it didn’t really feel outside my comfort zone.
I could have gone on a kayak ride in the lagoon – but again, I have done that before and all of the opportunities felt forced and in groups of people whose company I would not seek out.
Does it sound as if I was quibbling? Yes, I does to me, too.
Ultimately, however, I wanted to do something that would stretch me. And since I am here on a mental, physical, and spiritual retreat, I decided to move in that direction.
So my challenge is to live in the space and move with the assumption that it is truly okay being exactly who I am. I am trying to be aware of that little tightening response in my body when I am going against myself. I am working to be aware of when I am dodging and darting to please others. For moments at a time I am  breathing deeply in the satisfaction of just being myself. This means responding authentically. It includes saying no when necessary and speaking my truth when appropriate.
Holding onto myself is a part of this, too. Not giving so much of myself that I have nothing left. And when I must give, retrieving myself – disentangling my spirit and replenishing myself physically.
I know. It doesn’t sound like so much and sometimes it isn’t. At other times it is a gigantic change in me. As with everything, it’s a process…
The Student

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Filed under Angeles Arríen, The Challenge, The Second Half of Life, The Silver Gate

Perfection Face-off

Have not fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it.  Salvador Dali

Much has been said about perfection.  The word is batted around loosely. The search for perfection is treated as the path to nirvana.

And for me, the need to be perfect is a bit of a hell. My struggle toward acceptance runs head-on to my need for perfection.I am constantly amazed at how many of my feelings of inadequacy, of anger, of fear, (I could go on forever); when stripped to their naked core are my need to be perceived and to perceive myself as perfect.

I recently had a glaring lesson in how ridiculous this is. My blood sugar was tipping about recently together with some other symptoms that could have been related to diabetes. What? Me?

No matter what the outcome of a doctor visit, I felt sure I could handle my issues with diet and exercise. But me? Diabetes? When I pride myself on my healthy lifestyle?*

What was I really afraid of?  Being wrong.  In the face of what could be a damaging disease I found these little squiggy places in my brain that weren’t worrying about the outcome as much as about admitting what was happening to me.

Give it up, girl! Be human. Live with who you are. (I’ll keep talking to myself.)

The Student

*I didn’t visit the concepts of genetic predispostitions, aging with its breakdown of parts, etc.

 

 

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Filed under Quotations, Self-Acceptance Project

Promises (on a bad day)

“…I have promises to keep,    

I am a woman who keeps her word. I pride myself on that. When I can’t come through, I try to get my apologies in early. My friends think of me as dependable if not always punctual. My promise is a solemn oath.

Except those promises I make to myself.

And it’s true that once one promise is broken, it’s easier to break the next one.   The question reverberates in the emptiness. Am I taking any steps toward a better, healthier, more loving self?

Maybe. But what come to mind are circular pathways going nowhere. Talking. Listening. Judging, (Oops!) Listening. Planning. (Oops, again!) Listening. Judging. (Damn) Listening. Talking.

Knowing I need to lose weight for my health: Eating. Sleeping. Lying in bed in the morning feeling thin. (Yes!) Pulling the scale from beneath the cabinet. Looking at the numbers. (Uh-oh…) Stepping off. Taking off my T-shirt. (That’s better.) Stepping back on. Seeing the same number for the third day. (How can this be?) Eating.

Lounging on the chair next to a stack of “have-to-read” books, doing the third Sudoku of the morning. (Time for my walk.). Feeling the cool morning air turn from refreshing to stale. (Oh no, it’s getting hot!) Drinking coffee. (I’ve GOT to go.) Loosening my shoelaces. (What a LOSER!) Lounging in the chair starting another Sudoku.

Making a list. (I’m all about organization.) Sorting and arranging the papers on my desk. (I didn’t pay what?) Assembling the garden tools. (Hell with the weeds, I think I’ll move that…) Searching the recipe drawer. (Maybe leftovers tonight.) Pulling the vacuum cleaner from the closet. (I’ll just rest a minute.) Watching Dr. Oz. Changing the date on the list.

…and miles to go before I sleep.” Robert Frost

The Student

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Self-Acceptance Project, Self-examination