“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
I learned to meditate over 40 years ago. After the initial honeymoon my practice was sporadic and sometimes non-existent. I kept meditation in my back pocket as a fail-safe when my gerbil mind wreaked havoc in my life. I used the deep relaxation as a replacement for sleep. Meditation was with me, and not a part of me.
Now that I have a real practice, lessons come more readily.
My self shows up even more regularly since I have added Deepak Chopra’s 21 day challenges to my standard meditation times. The challenge is within me.
“I am loved, lovable and loving.” was a centering thought in the summer sequence. The profundity of this statement rocked my vision of myself.
I am loved.
Yes, I feel loved. I state this boldly and begin teetering on the precipice of doubt. Must love, then, encompass being seen, being valued, being accepted? Am I loved for who I am or who I am expected to be? Who loves me unconditionally? Am I loved at my worst as well as my best?
My conclusion is still yes. Those who love me may not always seem loving to me. They may not approve of my decisions. They may not like my ideas. They may be irritated or even short-tempered with me. They may not even like me at times. And they love me. They support me. They care for me and about me.
I am lovable.
Not so sure about this one!
This cuts to the core of how I feel about myself. Am I worthy? Am I enough?
When I see myself as the child of God and this Universe I comprehend that I am just exactly who and what I need to be. My mistakes do not detract from my being. My winding path of learning is forever in the light.
When I see myself as I want to be, I fall short. I see my self-absorption, my lack of humor, my intensity and my faltering steps on my path.
And so, am I lovable? I can only answer that I am loved. Therefore…
Am I loving?
I am working toward that. If I am, as my teachers say, love; then I am loving. My work does not involve becoming more of what I already am. It is the day-by-day effort of chipping away at the shell around me. It is understanding that only I am capable of removing that protective coating that blocks the love I have to give and refuses access to the love that is due me.