Tag Archives: lesson

Sense and Nonsense

There are so many lessons in life that I struggle against. I want to feel that it is someone else’s job to study…not mine. “They”should change what I cannot accept.

Do I think I can escape the lesson if I resist it?  Not really.  I realize by now that if I dodge what is put before me, it will appear in another way at another time.  Life is good at pop quizzes.

And I have such peace when I relinquish the struggle and am still. I am learning this along the way.  To live my life, be mindful, and wait.

It is a waste of my mind to let it travel down the same roads over and over, looking for an answer that is evident if I stop searching for a way out and begin learning.

The answer always comes.

“Look to yourself,” it says.

Life Student

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Filed under Living our best life

You’re right, I did it!

Acknowledging my actions in the past is huge.  The harmful behaviors, words and even the thoughts from yesterday or twenty-five years ago have made their mark.  Those scars may have healed over or they be open wounds which still itch and burn.

As I grow and learn I would like to be judged on where I am right now in my spiritual journey.  I would like to be recognized for the baby steps I have taken and the changes I have made.

The Rolling Stones told me the truth, though, “Oh, you can’t always get what you want.

I am allowed to forgive myself.  I’m allowed to make amends for what I can remember.  But I never have been and never will be able to dictate others’ perceptions of me.

I ask for forgiveness.  I hope for healing.  I continue to learn.

The Student

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Filed under Self-Acceptance Project, Self-examination, Step 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves., Step 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs., Step 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, Twelve Steps, When we know better, we do better

My New Job

I’ve taken on a volunteer job.  It’s a post I created for myself and so I had time to envision great, selfless, helpful work that would go undone if I didn’t step into the breach.  My chest and my ego puffed up to such an intolerable size that I felt overcome with the joy of it all.

After all, I express myself well.  It is easy for me to chain words together in an meaningful way to be delivered to others in a tidy packet of love letters.  Why NOT offer my services to others?  After all, not everyone has this facility.

Kerplunk.

Down I come to reality.

It’s really hard to express someone else’s thoughts in someone else’s voice.  (Whine, whine.)  And suddenly I’m not able to write what I’m thinking and feeling, which would spring freely from my fingers to the keyboard.  Instead I am now responsible to walk through my day, mentally composing what someone might say to someone I haven’t met about an issue that may, in fact, be a bit unclear to me.

What a bummer!  And sometimes I’m even wrong.  I send my words and the recipient lets me know that I have totally misconstrued who they are, what they have done, and what they are trying to say.

More reality.  And what wonderful lessons for me.

What I have learned this week:

1.  I am not different.  I am not better.  I would do well to get out of myself.

Maya Angelou was my teacher in this one.  I have this vivid memory of her voice saying,  “How can I say I wouldn’t do that.  I’m human.  If another human has done it…I am capable of it.”*

I have had to dig deep to find a place of  commonality with someone who has great need due to thoughts or feelings that seem (to me) to be flawed.  I’ve had to learn about myself and realize that I may never have dug my hole so deep, but I have been there.  That since I am a mother, wife, sister, daughter; I can follow feelings that I have had (perhaps only for a moment) into their extremities and truly understand the difficulties that arise in relationships.

I’ve come to realize, once again, that I come from a place of great resource and privilege.  I have had the luxury of time for thought, of access to counselors and mentors and of a base financial support that allowed me great choices in my life.  There, but for the grace of God, go I.

I’ve had to read and re-read requests.  I’ve needed to wallow in the pain of others in order to comprehend.  And I’ve needed to let go of perfection.

I will not be able to “fix” the situations of others.  I won’t be able to say the wonderful words that will heal all wounds.  And I can’t always express the love one person feels for another, nor the different ways it may be expressed.  But I can begin the process for those who have asked.  I can give the bare bones of construction of words that may help them build toward their own success.
Because it isn’t my success that it necessary.
So my new job isn’t what I thought.  It’s self-examination.  It’s stepping out of my ego.  And it’s learning.  That’s good for me.
The Student

*This is not a direct quote.  I have freely paraphrased from her interview on “Master Class” on OWN TV.

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Filed under Master Class, etc., Self-examination, Twelve Steps