Tag Archives: co-dependency

On a Bad Day…

I am mean-spirited this morning.

It’s because my human response is to tighten like a dried prune and resist.

I forget that I have choices.  That I needn’t follow if I prefer not.  That someones else’s actions do not dictate the course of my day or my life. For that moment I don’t remember that I made the decision to be right here.  Right now.

I look inside myself and I recognize that it is my problem.  It is my co-dependency that draws me into action.  I must control to maintain order.  My attachment to outcome is a slippery slope to irritation and resentment.

“Breathe deeply,” I tell myself.

“Let go.”

“Be.”

Loving.

The Student

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Filed under Self-examination, Step 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Who will I be when I get there?

My husband asked me why I must leave.

Why would I take myself from everything comfortable to a more primitive life where I must carry some of my personal necessities in order to live a semblance of my normal life?

Why would I leave my loving circle of friends and family to live in a place where I am known, but I’m not a part of the life.  I have acquaintances but there is a language barrier to  having a communicative friendship.

Why would I leave my house with all of it’s conveniences and luxuries (which I love), to go to a place where I am constantly sweeping dust, swatting mosquitoes and heating water on the stove to wash my dishes and/or my underwear by hand?

It’s simple and sad.

I have not learned well to be myself.  I cannot release my dependency on and responsibility for the people in my life who I love and cherish.  I must remove myself to be myself.

I’m working on that.

The Student

 

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Filed under Living our best life, When you stray from your center, you get lost

Who? Me?

“Aha!”

“When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time.” Maya Angelou

I get it.

Well, maybe I always got it, but I didn’t translate it to my own life.

I was looking for that person who did me dirt.  I was watching for the mean one, the stingy one, the cruel one… I wasn’t looking for my co-dependency.  I wasn’t looking for the way I excuse those I love and make it my fault.

I wasn’t even looking for the way I live with things until they become normal.  Or how I delay or avoid taking care of myself in order not to hurt the person who is hurting me.

Wow.

I’m walking taller now.  This realization has touched me profoundly.  My self-worth is showing as I walk through my day.

I guess this is what “aha” means.  I am changed in a moment.  I will never be the same.

Life Student

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