I am mean-spirited this morning.
It’s because my human response is to tighten like a dried prune and resist.
I forget that I have choices. That I needn’t follow if I prefer not. That someones else’s actions do not dictate the course of my day or my life. For that moment I don’t remember that I made the decision to be right here. Right now.
I look inside myself and I recognize that it is my problem. It is my co-dependency that draws me into action. I must control to maintain order. My attachment to outcome is a slippery slope to irritation and resentment.
“Breathe deeply,” I tell myself.
My husband asked me why I must leave.
Why would I take myself from everything comfortable to a more primitive life where I must carry some of my personal necessities in order to live a semblance of my normal life?
Why would I leave my loving circle of friends and family to live in a place where I am known, but I’m not a part of the life. I have acquaintances but there is a language barrier to having a communicative friendship.
Why would I leave my house with all of it’s conveniences and luxuries (which I love), to go to a place where I am constantly sweeping dust, swatting mosquitoes and heating water on the stove to wash my dishes and/or my underwear by hand?
It’s simple and sad.
I have not learned well to be myself. I cannot release my dependency on and responsibility for the people in my life who I love and cherish. I must remove myself to be myself.
I’m working on that.
“When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time.” Maya Angelou
I get it.
Well, maybe I always got it, but I didn’t translate it to my own life.
I was looking for that person who did me dirt. I was watching for the mean one, the stingy one, the cruel one… I wasn’t looking for my co-dependency. I wasn’t looking for the way I excuse those I love and make it my fault.
I wasn’t even looking for the way I live with things until they become normal. Or how I delay or avoid taking care of myself in order not to hurt the person who is hurting me.
I’m walking taller now. This realization has touched me profoundly. My self-worth is showing as I walk through my day.
I guess this is what “aha” means. I am changed in a moment. I will never be the same.