Category Archives: You Become What You Believe

Fear of Dying by Diet

When I think of dying, I am not afraid.  After a very low spot (physical) several years ago, I lost that fear. Or I thought I had.

Once again I must honor the presence of my convoluted thinking.

Weight has always been an issue for me.  As a chubby child, I took a lot of ribbing.  There’s no doubt that I carried that child within me for years and failed to appreciate my perfectly acceptable body through my younger years.

In my parenting years I’m not sure that I could blame my increased weight on child-bearing, although it definitely had an effect.  My subjugation of self for the benefit of others probably had more to do with it.  I ate my way through exhaustion, anger, grief, overwhelm, and you-name-it! Then, as I gained more of a sense of myself, I began to shed the worst of my pudgy pounds.

Although I have never been (what I would call) obese, I carried some extra weight with me for a long time – both psychically and physically.  Then several years ago I decided that my looks were not at issue – it was my health that was at issue.  I changed my diet and my lifestyle in order to age as a lean machine.

It just didn’t work.

I have lost enough to feel better but those last pounds won’t go away. Although I eat an exemplary diet, I continue to hover around the same weight.  I exercise more.  I eat less.  I lose.  I gain.  The result is healthy but static and more than I’d like  to carry into my coming years.

Recently, I began having a few health issues. Nothing serious (I hope), just a mystery fever that comes and goes at will. While the doctors are puzzling, my sisters and I talk and question and scare ourselves looking up symptoms on the internet. Yesterday I admitted to her that I am losing weight.

“I hope I’m not dying”, I said.

My sister began snorting with laughter. She couldn’t catch her breath. Mystified, I chuckled along with her, waiting for an explanation. “OMG,” she said, “that’s just what I would think!”

When she caught her breath we talked aobut it. It became a serious conversation. We have watched friends and even our own parents stop eating and decline. Our dear sister who died of cancere become emaciated and resembled a holocaust survivor when she died. Our true feelings around being thin have some grim memories attached.

It does seem a bit silly to think that I cling to those last 15 pounds so that I can feel robust when I look in the mirror. Ultimately, I can laugh with her. We acknowledge our unconscious fear of weight loss as an unexplored aspect of our fear of dying.

Who knew?

The Student

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Filed under Self-examination, You Become What You Believe

Gratitude as a Practice

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight… Psalm 19:14  Amplified

 

I rarely think of myself as negative. When I am,  I examine my life to see what is bothering me. Why I am down? Am I depressed? Until I really hear my words and how I express myself, I don’t notice my thoughts. It is a downward spiral and so I must break the cycle.

My practice becomes to go through a day without saying anything negative.

I must sometimes  deal with facts, so perhaps the letter of the experiment cannot be held to account. But as I try to filter my thoughts and let my intention be to express no negativity, I recognize my normal patterns.

It’s an eye-opener. This will be my third day trying to follow the path of joy. Today I intend to use gratitude as a foil to the unruly thoughts that enter my head. That will be better than feeling down on myself for the number of negative words that try to slip off my tongue.

Onward and upward!

The Student

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February 12, 2014 · 10:44 am

Joy in the Morning

Crystals

Come forth into the light of things, let nature be your teacher. William Wordsworth

I look out at the sun rising over the rooftops and am energized by the light.

Yesterday was a grey day that trapped me by the fire. The stalwart leaves that clung to the trees couldn’t withstand the biting wind. How could I?Kwan Yin sparkles

Today  I walk toward the kitchen to make my tea and gasp with joy. The prisms have come out to play.

When the sunlight enters the front window from an exact angle, I am redeemed from the gloom of encroaching winter. Light. Sparkling light. The crystals that hang above my dining room table catch the rays of sunlight and splash them merrily across the wall. They spread color. They spread warmth.

Why is this more magical than a mere sunbeam through the window? Because the crystals magnify light. They plumb rays of sunlight and glorify them.

Ahhh…

Can I be magical? Can I spread such light and joy?

The Student

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Filed under Living our best life, Quotations, You Become What You Believe