It’s easy for me to delude myself. After all, I don’t know what I don’t know. And I don’t recognize my behavior when it is so common that it strikes no strident note.
Most of my less-than-admirable behaviors just work themselves through my hours and days without my notice. They form themselves into the structure of my being like a skeleton that holds me together. And, of course, giving up on any one of those lifetime patterns is like breaking a bone. It causes fear, pain and a loud, crackling sound of a change that immediately wants to reset itself back into the structure that is familiar, no matter how disfunctional.
And I do function in my own way. Well, I have my nonfunctional days. Those are the days that my chest is filled with anxiety and my mind races on its gerbil wheel without pause for refreshment. On those days, even meditation is difficult. The work that it takes to calm myself may be too much for me. I may resort to the mind-numbing of television or electronic solitaire.
I’m peeking out at the truth now and then.
I’m examining a long and loving relationship…not necessarily to end it…but to really look at what is best for me in the future. How to make the moves to protect myself. I’ve know what to do for a long time. Yet I’m still grappling with the fear of breaking the structure that keeps me in one piece.
Will I survive? Will I thrive? Or will I look back with regret that I have broken what was my life for so long?
I’m too dramatic. Baby steps are all I need right now.