Where am I going?

I need to change my outlook.  That sounds easy.

When I tearfully talked to a friend, she said, “Oh, Honey.  You’re not a bad person, you’re just going through a bad time.”

I hope that’s true.

It is true that I’m feeling a bit of scarcity in my life.  And I hate scarcity mentality. It’s so counterproductive even on the basest level.  If I’m feeling as if I have nothing, it is attracting nothing to me and I look at the rest of the world through a twisted lens.  It’s self-perpetuating, too.

After all, if I’m snide and carping about everything and everyone, why will they want to be with me. If I’m grasping for what other people have, then I will be so preoccupied with their lives that I won’t be working toward my own best life. Comparing myself to anyone else in the world has always been my downfall.

I have one friend in particular who pretty much has a photographic memory.  If she ever learned something, she knows it now.  Playing Trivial Pursuit with her could lead one to suicidal tendencies.  She remembers Hiram the great and will insist on giving a rundown of his life and times as she smirks with her success.  Grrr…

If I’m in a bad space, I always talked to myself after time with her.  I’m smart.  It’s just a different smart.  Not everyone has the same thought processes.  I can’t be STUPID or she wouldn’t even like me.  But if I let myself go there, it takes some pumping up to get myself back to my normal state of healthy self-esteem.

I’m doing a U-turn.  It’s like going on a psychic diet.  No self-comparison.  If I begin to feel envious and gritchy, I’ll sit with the feeling until I find what is the heart of it.

I bet it will be scarcity.

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Filed under Living our best life, Master Class, etc., Self-examination, Twelve Steps

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