Asking Myself…

P1010592.JPG“I want to sing like the birds sing, not worrying about who hears or what they think.”
― Rumi

I have no fear of dying. This has been my assertion since 2007. I have discovered that it is partially true.

What comes after death does not concern me. Whether I term it eternity in the Christian sense or regard death as another phase in my soul’s journey, I am at peace with it. Do I believe in reincarnation? Well, I don’t disbelieve. Do I believe in heaven? Maybe, maybe not. This is not a puzzle for me that needs an answer.

However, as I let my thoughts turn inward and reflect another truth, I recognize that I fear not being here. Not because of any worry about the other side, but because of what I may or may not leave behind. My ego steps up and cries out for assurance. Will you think kindly of me? Have I done my life’s work? Is my life contract ready to be stamped with a sign of approval?

This discovery about myself is going to take some more thought. I need to pour it out, scatter it around and reassemble it in ways that I understand before I let it slip through my fingers.

The Student

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Being Heard

“I don’t need a cloak to become invisible,” Dumbledore,  in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone,  J.K. Rowling

I hate not to be heard. I feel invalidated. The anger that rises within me is out of proportion to the situation. Why?

Without finding an answer I can still reach equilibrium.

I can know that I am loved by myself and others. I can understand that others’ distance, disinterest or deafness is not a personal affront to me. Even when it is directed toward me it rarely comes from ill-intent or lack of love.

The first thing I must do for myself is understand that I have what I need within me. That if necessary I can pour my love and connection into a vacuum and still be a whole person. I cannot be diminished by others or by their actions.

Then I want to examine myself and my own behavior. I must sometimes be guilty of the same behavior that I rebel against. Do I always listen? Do I always hear? Am I paying attention? Am I present?

Still time enough to explore the sore spots that feel re-injured when my voice doesn’t carry.

The Student

 

 

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Being where I am.

Broom and flower“The further I wake into this life, the more I realize that God is everywhere and the extraordinary is waiting quietly beneath the skin of all that is ordinary. Light is in both the broken bottle and the diamond, and music is in both the flowing violin and the water dripping from the drainage pipe. Yes, God is under the porch as well as on top of the mountain, and joy is in both the front row and the bleachers, if we are willing to be where we are.” 
― Mark NepoThe Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have

Sometimes I wake up convinced that I need a plan. Although following my nose through my day is my great bliss, I look at my growing “to get done” list and wonder if it will ever grow shorter instead of longer. That’s when I click into linear mode. I should recognize by now that my Seven* nature under stress goes to One*. I feel the need to organize and accomplish. I worry about purpose. Am I worthwhile if I don’t prioritize? Ah, the spiral downward…Spiral

In a mindset defined by results I forget that every moment of my life is what it should be: hanging clothes or stopping to eat raspberries with the basket tucked under one arm; going to the shop to get meat from the freezer for dinner or pulling a weed from beneath the rose bush on my way there; diminishing the pile of papers on my desk or lingering over the photos of my trip to Italy.

Life is an accomplishment. Being alive to all that is around me is purpose. And gratitude is recognizing each moment as a gift from God who is everywhere.

The Student

*Points in the Enneagram

 

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Filed under More Teachers, Point Seven - The Epicure, Quotations, The Enneagram, Uncategorized